When it comes to untruths big and small, it’s important to face them, because they can have lasting effects. “We want our partner to see us in a certain way and we think, ‘If he really sees who I am or what I’ve done or how I’m feeling, he or she wont love me anymore.’ So we try to keep this persona, and we don’t want to share the darker parts of ourselves,” Judith says. “This is a bind in relationships because then your partner can say, ‘I love you’ and you think, ‘You wouldn’t really love me if you knew this about me.’ This is so damaging to intimacy.”
That’s what builds the relationship
We all have things in common with our parents, but that can often be a touchy subject. And when a partner points similarities out in a fight, it’s usually not said as a compliment. “You use it against the other person because, whether they hated that parent or they worship that parent, they have strong unfinished business,” Bob says.
Judith explains the low blow:. “It’s shows that you’re not really able to talk more deeply about what it is you really need, want, and feel. It’s like throwing a bomb rather than really letting the other person know the details.” Instead, ask yourself – or your partner – what’s the real issue at hand?
But if one partner feels like they’re being left in the dust, they can feel betrayed or distanced. “When someone starts to grow and change and their partner is threatened, the person decides not to grow anymore and can become afraid of the change themselves,” Judith says. “The happiest and healthiest relationships are the ones where you bring more back into the relationship.” The key, she adds, is to support each other’s efforts to learn and grow. [Read more…] about Change in a relationship can be a great thing